04 October 1996

(Brown Journal Excerpt 2 - "Coming Down")

I’m coming down off of a bizarre galaxy ride in this one room, with tapestry stars and smoke, and strange smiling faces who look familiar, yet as foreign as a stranger in a dream. But, that’s what this is.

I think it’s this tape. It helped me through last winter, and guided me through the spring into the summer. It said goodbye to my friends when I left for this place, so far away from everything I know. Except, I am still me, and this music hasn’t changed.

Why am I on a different level? Sometimes, it makes things so difficult for me. Other times, everything is so easy. Am I a strange soul? Do I belong somewhere else? I am not the only one, don’t get me wrong. But, my energy doesn’t mix with certain types of energy; it doesn’t mix with certain people’s vibes. It clashes to the point where I laugh (most of the time), or where I absolutely have to leave (not so much). But, for real, what is it?

I’ve had this conversation before, too. Since I had it with David, I didn’t feel too bad. See, he and I think a lot alike. It’s sort of scary. What does that mean? What does it mean to be alike? Is it that we are of the same energy? Is it that our souls have reached the same plateau, or that they are on parallel levels on the staircase of ascension? Does it get any higher? I think it can, but I am not sure. That’s me talking, not rationality. That’s me, who is a real me, not a fraudulent kid. But it’s also arrogant me, which scares a lot of the me’s into a state of questioning.

Am I really seeing things the way they are, or am I lying to myself, underestimating the world’s incredible (and- oh forget it!) ability to be relative. Oh- inside the parentheses above is a discarded thought. Forget it.

I don’t know. I think I am in a different realm. I don’t want to say higher, lower, sideways, upside-down, diagonal, or any shit- it’s just a different one. Some other kids are on It with me (some I’ve met here, in fact). But, is it too soon to know? With some friends, I always knew. Like, with Allen, with David, with Anna, with Jimmy, with all of those kids. I just know, and I’m not wrong. But fuck- that’s what I have to stop doing! I have to stop knowing! It’s hurtful. Cause, when you know anything, something will always contradict it, and then change it. Any time you know something… Or, rather… Wait. As soon as you know something (almost half- no- 100% of the time) you will either 1) question yourself saying “hold on, do I know this?” and no, you don’t, motherfucker; 2) find out you are wrong, cause when you know it, it’ll change before your eyes. Nothing is constant. Not even your heart is constant. It can speed up, slow down, or even stop. That’s what’s funny: nothing is consistent. That’s why I should accept everything, knowing I know nothing (sorry- thinking I know nothing). It’s not real bad to think, is it? It’s not. It doesn’t mean you believe, or know. Whatever, I have to sleep now. Tonight was just so weird. What a bunch of weird kids! I’m normal? I don’t know. If I’m normal, they are weird. If they are normal, I am crazy. That’s the only way I can put it in terms that you can understand, I guess. Who are you, anyway?