17 December 1999

Chicago In December

My reflection rides outside of pane glass, the
transparent membrane separating
me from winter's frost forest
preserves, rains of thick
crystal flakes
in blinks
of airplane
wings like flashes of
every snowfall I've tasted,
sugar sky candy powdering lawns
underneath me, balled in damp mittens and chewed.

can still
feel the sting
of December through
my gloves and moonboots that would
change colors with the temperature,
tingling numbness through my snowsuit, sitting in
ice architecture, glittering cave
walls stabbed with clear stalactites
broken off the roof,
a snowman

iridescent shimmer of puffy sidewalks
crushed in spaces by deep blue footprints
traveling toward staircases,
golden in twilight,
us in-
I see
tangering fireplaces - cracks and
pops of embers amplified
dust on oscillating orange vinyl -
in windows of life-sized ceramic houses

wrapped and boxed,
topped in glossy curved
ribbons and kept on the soft
carpeting of my living room floor,
slowly being magnified in the descent.
Miniature locomotives and
automobiles billow gray,
pushing along paths
bringing them

30 November 1999

Eudora Pro

On 11/30/99, you wrote:

                  >We only speak digitally now,
                                    >signature pixellated in Courier
                  >10 point font, vibrating black
                  >against the screen's bright white, the
                           >cursor blinking; wondering if I
                           >should delete "I love you" above mine.
                  >I don't, and just click on send.
                  >On your last letter, you wrote
                           >"I'll see you soon," knowing you wouldn't,
                                    >so I'll get away with this, knowing I don't.

01 November 1999

Kindergarten Braille

     A lamination
captured the glowing orange 
     leaf safe underneath

     And you dragged the black
wax of a crayon against
     its green paper frame

     creating the hand-
written label, "My Maple."
     Such a fragile thought,

                                             iced in memory
                                        the color of your school bus
                                             rounding the corner

                                             as you waited - your
                                        autumn exhale dissolving
                                             in trees like exhaust,

                                             a bark brown bag lunch
                                        and plastic supply box (with
                                             pencils and crayons,

                                             scissors, Elmer's glue, 
                                        stickers, and five Crayola
                                             markers) held in your hands - 

                                             smearing the meat from
                                        a pumpkin's crushed shell under
                                             your shoe, imagining the smell

                                             of its golden brown
                                        salted seeds in the oven
                                             as through knife cut eyes,

                                             flickering yellow
                                        in a melting candle's flame,
                                             it watched itself die

                    last night. I wish you
               would have taken a piece of
                    it with you to glue

                    next to the dried leaf. 

I remember the smell of 
fall touching the page. 

15 October 1999

Approaching T = 0

     Removed from movement,
with eyes unblinking I trace
     smooth edges of space

               slowly collapsing
          in a sphere of thickening
               time, gray to black light,

                         standing in silver.
                    Portrait of the glowing moon's
                          sliver etched in glass -

                                   the memory last
                              remembered after millions
                                   of miles and stars passed

                                             fading silently
                                                  in my exit through a un-
                                                       iverse's entrance.

14 October 1999

(Sketchbook Excerpt 3 - "I'm Such A Prick")

I feel awful for saying this, but I am in a class taught by a Muppet: an honest-to-God woman made of construction paper and felt with plastic eyes. She is real old and looks like she can keel over at any moment, as if her puppeteer is becoming bored. I can’t be the only one in the class who thinks it’s some cheesy bullshit, come on! In fact, I’m sure that I am not, because I have seen changing expressions on classmates’ faces when she tries to sound deep with us. See, it’s not necessarily what we’re doing, it’s just her; she makes it painful.

It’s like a cult. She is slowly brainwashing us into becoming wide-eyed cornballs holding hands at the end of class, discussing the deep spiritual revelations we had. Give me a break! I can’t believe my parents are paying for this God-awful class; really, I can’t believe I haven’t brought myself to drop it. Maybe I keep hoping it’ll get better, though it’s a little late for that now. The semester is halfway over – that’s a crazy fact within itself! – and here I am, listening to the Muppet go on and on, and trying to prevent my guilty smirk from becoming guffawing laughter.

We passed around energy tonight. We stood in a circle, and each person invented some kind of shape to play with, then squished it and passed it on to the next person who would imagine something entirely different. Yeah, neat idea, but she kept saying crap like “explore!” and it made the whole thing so damn silly! Some kids are really into it. There’s this dorky motherfucker from Canada who tries to invite everyone out with him after class. Every week, while people are putting on their jackets and getting their belongings together to make a quick getaway, he lamely offers a “so, who wants to get together for some coffee or dinner?” He wants to talk about the wonderful class he had and make new friends, and I can understand but… Why am I so mean? Am I mean, or is this a normal reaction?

It’s probably the former but, either way, the class fucking blows and I’m tired of these cheeseball people, especially that Canadian schmuck.

08 October 1999

(Sketchbook Excerpt 2 - "Routine")

I am thinking about the route I took every morning to and from work. I woke at 6 AM. The house was pitch black. My whole family was asleep, so I’d have to be careful not to switch on the lights and awaken anyone. I’d take a quick shower, try to wake up myself, then turn the bathroom light off before opening the door to the hall. Then I’d pick out my clothes. I was only allowed to wear slacks or corduroys, and I was required to tuck in my shirt. Judging by what I have, my clothing options were limited.

After dressing and tearing another page off the daily calendar, I’d shut the lights, head downstairs (in the dark), and find my lunch in the refrigerator. I’d almost never eat anything, and always ran late. So, I’d hastily gulp a glass of orange juice, running out of the door as the sun began to rise.

I’d drive down Lincolnwood to Lincoln, right on Lincoln all the way to the street right before the golf course, left on that street to Central, right on Central to that other street before the golf course (I can’t believe I’ve already forgotten their names already), pull into someone’s driveway so I could turn around, then park. I’d always have the radio on – usually WNUR which had a great jazz show – and I’d shut it right before I shut the engine. I’d walk 2 and a half blocks up the same street up to the same train station, swipe the CTA card in the same slot, go through the same turnstile and up the same stairs to see: the same people.

There was a guy named Randy whom I would talk to frequently, never about much. His hair was always matted, his breath stunk, he was badly shaven most of the time, wore a cheap coat, and seemed a little off. He lived only three blocks from the station.

“How are you,” he’d ask.

“Exhausted,” was almost always my reply.

“It sure is cold!”


And every time, I’d try to get more out of him, just to learn about him. I never learned much other than his train stop (Armitage) and his place of employment (Mount Sinai Hospital). I have no idea what he does there. He’s not a doctor. As soon as the train came, we’d say goodbye and get in separate cars. I’d either try and sleep or read until I got to Belmont, then transfer to the Red line. I’d stare at people- an inevitability since the train was consistently packed – and wonder where they worked. Many were dressed rather nicely, but there were a smattering of students and random people who looked as if they could’ve been going anywhere.

The train ventured underground, and I’d stand and wait for another line at the State & Lake stop, from where I’d walk over a mile down Randolph to Clinton through a swarm of business people all doing the same thing I was doing. I’d always need to walk super fast to make it on time. I did the exact same thing going home, but instead of the sun beginning to rise, it was in the process of setting. On the train ride back, I’d always sleep. When I finally reached my stop, there wasn’t much of a walk back to my car, but I always looked forward to it: it meant another day had passed, and I think it simultaneously scared the shit out of me.

My job was the same story. After the walk, I’d get inside and give the same, half-assed hello to the guy behind the desk who had the duty of signing in guests or delivery people. I think that is all he did. I don’t know what time he got there, but it was always way before I did. He had an elevator button behind his desk to activate the doors, which was nice. I worked on the eighth floor in an incredibly sterile office. I’d pass through the glass doors, sometimes say hi to the secretary, Sheryl, and walk to my cubicle among the many circumscribing the large room.

We each had our own desk on which sat the all-important phone, a computer and, of course, we each had desk drawers. I’d sign in, turn on my computer, and then walk down the hall to hang my coat before getting coffee in the lounge. In the lounge, there were always at least five people getting coffee, toasting a bagel or a Pop Tart, or putting their lunch in the fridge. I did all these things before returning to work. I’d check my messages (usually I had none because no one wants to call a telemarketer back), then check my email. Thank God I’d usually have some of those. Then, it was time to “smile and dial” as my boss and his boss would say.

My department was full of temps, but there were actually some folks who had been there a while! There was this British wanker named Ian. He loved the job. He loved sitting on his ass and calling people all day, registering them for engineering conferences. There was Jim, who is a really cool guy. He is a married musician who has been there for a couple of years. He has gigs Wednesday though Saturday, so I don’t think he really gives the job too much thought; he does it to supplement his income, I suppose. But everyone else… That’s what they do.

Monday through Friday, they sit on the phone and leave voicemails for people across America, repeating the same exact script over and over again:

“Hello Mr./Ms. ____, this is Zachary Walsh [I used an alias] calling with the International Engineering Consortium in Chicago at 312-559-3305. I wanted to touch base with you concerning the ____ coming up in ____ at the ____. If you register before ____, you can get a complimentary copy of the ____. You can visit us online for full conference details at www.iec.org, or call. The number again is 312-559-3305. Thank you for your time, hope to hear from you soon.”

For eight hours. Eight hours with a lunch break. We had call sets, and the database sucked. There were tons of duplicate files, files with the first and last names mismatched, the incorrect number/address/title, or even the wrong company entirely. We’d constantly phone the employee locator numbers and, sometimes, the companies we had on file no longer existed. We’d call everybody from secretaries through presidents and give them the same shit over and over again (you had to wait an interval of ten days in between – big fucking deal!). Then, they’d get faxes. Emails. They remember us because they get bombarded with our mail.

My friend worked with me there for a while, but after he left, I had a lot more of an opportunity to talk to everyone at lunch. It was the same routine each time: some guy would have a newspaper, say something about a sports game that week, then disinterestedly ask “oh – you read that story ‘bout ____? Crazy world, huh?” Then, I’d start singing or saying some random-ass shit and freak everyone out. It was like entertaining robots. I just felt these people’s lives were miserable. They’d all take the train, do the same garbage day in and day out, and go home. They almost never head anything to say at lunch, and I felt like if I wasn’t there, no one would even laugh. My boss said everyone would talk about stuff I said afterwards and how I was “so crazy.” People told me they didn’t want to miss “my show” at lunch…

I really hope this isn’t what I have to look forward to after school. My best friend lives in San Francisco, and he has a temp job doing data entry and errands for a scientist. He goes into Microsoft Excel and makes spreadsheets of DNA samples. He graduated from college. He studied music.

I guess I am going to need to make a decision about whether or not to have a miserably boring temp job so I can spend more time with my music, or do something challenging and have less time… I have no idea what I will do, really. I know what I love, and with it comes sacrifices to do what I need to do.

I’ll need to wait and see, won’t I?

04 October 1999

(Sketchbook Excerpt 1 - "Reunion")

It is our second pitcher by this point. He is sitting across from me, and his face looks the same as it did back in elementary school except that he wears glasses now. So do I. He just looks older. I suppose I do too, although he said my face is exactly the same.

Our waitress is pretty cute, and I keep looking over at her when she walks by – not too much to be obnoxious though. He is telling me about his first girlfriend, Naomi. It was senior year in high school, and they started seeing each other three weeks before prom. They never kissed. The night of prom, she was ignoring him. Four other kids and she were going to “smoke up,” and he didn’t smoke at the time, so he said he’d just meet up with them in 20 minutes or whatever.

“You guys doing okay?” the waitress interjects.

“Yeah, everything is cool, thanks,” I smile.

So, he was walking around alone in his tuxedo, and started getting interrogated by this cop - asking why he’s walking around, what he is doing, if he is meeting anyone, etc. He basically blew up at the cop, saying it was none of his business, and left to find Naomi and everyone else.

They were all going to a house in Wisconsin after the prom. He wasn’t invited; Naomi basically told him not to come. This was the culmination of his high school experience, and he was dropped off the next morning alone. He saw Naomi a couple days later at a party – one of the few he had ever been to – and she was kissing a boy he didn’t really know… She didn’t see him. That wasn’t the first time he had thought about killing himself.

Our beers are getting empty, and I wave over to the waitress to order another pitcher.

“So, you still in touch with anyone from high school?” he asks.

“Yeah, definitely.” Our waitress sets down a big pitcher next to me, and smiles as she walks away.

“What’s everyone doing?”

“Well,” I say, wondering who he’d know, “Johnny is a mailman.”

He smiles.

“And Ryan still works at the bike shop. Jacob moved down to Champaign with his brother, Jason just graduated…”

I am going on and on, and he is smiling, but I don’t think he really knew any of those kids. I guess he just wants to hear; it’s like looking at an old yearbook, remembering only someone’s face, and wondering who they were then – who they are now. You probably saw them at a party or in the halls. You might have made eye contact. Maybe you had a class together, and you always noticed them, or heard rumors. I think – to him – most of our high school was like that: people he only heard about.

The bar suddenly erupts in cheering: the Mets won. In the corner I see a bunch of jerseys on the television screen. I couldn’t care less. He looks over at the screaming yuppies, then back at me.

“Remember Mr. Cole?”

“Oh yeah!” I scream, “I wonder what he’s doing nowadays.”

“Probably molesting squirrels in the forest preserve, coming to class with a foaming mouth with fur in the corners, bites up and down his arms and face.”

He is laughing hard, as am I.

“I swear, that man touched everything that moved!”

“God! What about Ms. Friedberg?”

Laughter on both sides. He is genuinely smiling. He is happy now – not just in the bar, but in general. I think of my friend who killed himself. I wish that the old friend in front of me could’ve told him that things do get better.

17 September 1999


Slouching in a gargantuan white chair -
Though dwarfed in size even more than before -
He smiles as eyes reflect in his, crowding
Him in closer without a single blink.
For seven dollars, they can pose with him
And feel enormous, freezing that moment
On a souvenir Polaroid to show
To friends who never, ever would believe
That there could really be a man so small.
A young girl giggles and points her finger
At him, asking mommy if she could take
A picture. Grinning, she climbs up to him,
Sticking her chin up high as he sinks down
To hide a fake smile in the camera's flash.

01 August 1999

[DISCOGRAPHY] Caural - (Demo EP)

Caural (Demo EP, 1999)
Format: CD-R

1. Glow In The Dark*
2. Moonboots**
3. Blue Green Value Five
4. Pieces of a Broken Glass God***

Notes: These were the first four songs I created as Caural, from May-July or so of 1999.

*= later separated into two tracks for Initial Experiments in 3D: Glow In The Dark and Safety Cone

**= later separated into two tracks for Initial Experiments in 3D: Moonboots and Free Italian Ice (audio added from a Transmission concert)

***= later separated into two tracks for Initial Experiments in 3D: Pieces of a Broken Glass God and Ganesh

01 July 1999

The End Of July

I didn't want to smoke when I asked for a cigarette,
I just needed an excuse to approach you. Yeah, maybe
I could've come up with a better line, but at the time
I was too drunk to care, and besides, I saw you looking.

You spoke French better than me, and I can't understand why
You kept it going. By that time, I had my cigarette,
You had your beer, and told your friends it was alright to leave
You with me, that you weren't ready to go just quite yet.

My friend Sandy told me I could bring you to her place since
My car wouldn't be comfortable, flashing her keys in
My face and saying she'd find a cab home later after
My little escapade was over; she said in "twenty".

Your words during the beginning made me wonder about
Your motivation, saying I kissed like I was in love,
Your hands tearing at my hair, then nails scraping down my back,
Your fingers grabbing, almost ripping away at my skin.

I didn't understand what you said in the morning when
You got out of my car and walked across the street, maybe
My mind was cluttered from having no sleep, remembering
Your name only after you slammed the door and I drove off.

"I'll probably never see you again - thanks for the ride."

02 May 1999


Following footprints through sands of your face
My fingers trace geographies of skin -
These valleys of mouths, colored pupil lakes -
Cross cliffs of cheekbones, cartilage caverns
Darkened by blood vessel trees underneath.
I want to climb down your tongue so I can
Feel you speak instead of just hearing workds
Whose message is so drowned in vocal sounds
Their meaning no longer vibrates inside.
Entering you, I watch your blood travel
In tubes lining smooth, breathing muscle walls.
I wonder if you can feel my footsteps
As I trudge barefoot in plasma puddles
Towards the pulsing piece of you I want.

15 March 1999

(Dark Green Journal Excerpt - "David")

It was the same house, but it seemed there were many more photos of him, trophies he had won, and pictures he had drawn, even though there weren't. We sat in a circle around a table in his living room which held a box of tissue, some cookies, and some empty glasses. Conversation centered around what each of us were doing. His parents seemed excited and hurt to hear how we were doing different things and that their son couldn't do anything anymore. There questioning brought them vicarious satisfaction: they could find solace in the fact that time had continued for each of us while- in terms of him- it had stood still.

There was some laughter, but mostly a quietness and heaviness in the room. The silence was so thick it was hard to breathe at points. Then, at other times, it lifted in a smile, a comment, or a nod. We went to his room and remembered. We descended the stairs into the basement, heard the cue ball crack against the others, and wished it was him behind the stick. We were just flooded with him; I knew he was there.

Jacob played the song he had written for David, and we all sat crying. The conversation finally broke through barriers of small talk, and hidden feelings began to surface. His sister Sarah told us how he had spoken so much about us, how he had stories for each of us, and she went around the room and reminisced. And we reminisced.

We went to Jason's and smoked a bit. In that room, I swear to God he was there. I know he is always there, but I truly felt him, and that doesn't happen often. In the car ride to the bar, I realized the dream I had the other night had told me what was to come on this night. In my dream, I had been in a car and looked out the window at the sky. The moon was traveling incredibly fast, circling the sky a few times every couple of seconds. Likewise, the clouds were shape-changing so rapidly, looking like dissipating smoke exhaled by stars. There was a spaceship watching us. I was with friends from Evanston, and it was late. I was to work in the morning, and I had called home to say I'd be home late. We were all together, and it was a very happy time. We were all eating cake. I realized this dream was exactly what happened last night.

I sat in the car, and this smile formed on my face just like the smile that came to me a year ago when I realized that death was one of David's lessons for us- death and the importance of friends and family. It was when Jason and I walked stoned over the sidewalk near Ryan's old house on Maple, the day of David's funeral. Last night, I realized the spaceship was David- or, at least it held him- and the sky was changing so fast because everything is changing so fast. And, just as it was normal in my dream to me, I can understand it in waking life.

I felt so much love last night in that bar with my friends, talking about the past, present, and very importantly, the future. I want my future to contain all of those people. All the people I love. David taught me the importance of that, and I'll never stop thanking him.

09 March 1999

(Light Green Journal Excerpt 5 - "The Best Three Months of My Life?"))

So, I just lay down and looked at Semester at Sea's yearbook, allowing myself to transport into a time distanced so greatly from now in my mind, yet literally so close I can still smell the ocean and the cigarette smoke lacing the absence of horizon. And all those faces peeking in the dim light of the astroturf deck, the white paint, red letters, glass doors, black sky. I can sit and look and honestly say, "yes, that was the best three months of my life." Really, as it all passed underneath time's clever illusion of stillness, I thought I would. I couldn't have imagined what I'd come home to and the home I'd leave, the family I'd come home to and the one I'd leave; honestly, it's all so fucking bizarre! Cause, I'd do it all over again and wouldn't change a damn thing. There is nothing I'd change in my life looking back, but in those three months, there is almost nothing I could change. It was so carefree yet so intense, so easy and so hard, so amazing.

And I think an upsetting thing to realize is that there won't ever be a place where we'll all be together again. Even if there was, it wouldn't be the same. But, time moves on. We move with it, and it's strange to think of where it has taken me and where it will take me next.
My job: what a dreadfully boring piece of shit. But, you know I am so grateful for the money it is giving me, and the opportunities I will have with that money. It's all sacrifice, and the acknowledgment of those sacrifices makes it bearable, but I hate how I'll speed it all away.

Tonight, as I drove the cracked streets home from the El, I got upset that I would think of speeding any time away and not realize the gifts inherent in each space and time. The fact I am graced with my family's presence and the love they have, and the comfortability of my home- my physical house extending outside the walls of 2144 Lincolnwood Drive. My friends, my bank account getting bigger, and hopefully big enough to handle what I want. The fact I have almost nothing to worry about except for getting enough rest, because when I leave... When I leave, it'll be the beginning of the end of school. It'll be the beginning of a new time and space, one that will lead me in new directions and towards new people and perhaps some familiar faces; but it'll be away from this, and I'll become nostalgic about this just as I am about S.A.S.

It's ultimately all the same. It's all strands of a web, pieces of a puzzle, or whatever quantity of whichever tired-ass metaphor everyone uses to understand the enigmatic yet so clear nature of life, and changes. And what is so amazing about change is that no change- nor the result of one- is separate from the one before or after it, because change is simultaneously cause and effect: time extends in all directions, but only one we can follow in the present. We can travel backwards through reminiscences, but that really pushes you forwards since you notice how you've changed since then- how everything has changed. We move forwards regardless of whether or eyes are open or closed.

03 February 1999

In Glass

          Hearing the mechanical sigh of time moving by
          Standing underneath a florescent ceiling of sky he tries
          Stealing her image from the glass falling just past his grasp
          Gliding between the outside darkness and the walls of the subway

Unaware, she stares into the same window
Light masking his eyes as they hide in the glare
Asking hers to rise and meet his glance, but isn't chance so rare?
Her stop nears as seconds push the minute hand
She stands among the crowd crowded much too close and disappears
                         He fears he will never see her
                         No potential for connection                  
                         But perfection was found only in her reflection