09 March 1999

(Light Green Journal Excerpt 5 - "The Best Three Months of My Life?"))

So, I just lay down and looked at Semester at Sea's yearbook, allowing myself to transport into a time distanced so greatly from now in my mind, yet literally so close I can still smell the ocean and the cigarette smoke lacing the absence of horizon. And all those faces peeking in the dim light of the astroturf deck, the white paint, red letters, glass doors, black sky. I can sit and look and honestly say, "yes, that was the best three months of my life." Really, as it all passed underneath time's clever illusion of stillness, I thought I would. I couldn't have imagined what I'd come home to and the home I'd leave, the family I'd come home to and the one I'd leave; honestly, it's all so fucking bizarre! Cause, I'd do it all over again and wouldn't change a damn thing. There is nothing I'd change in my life looking back, but in those three months, there is almost nothing I could change. It was so carefree yet so intense, so easy and so hard, so amazing.

And I think an upsetting thing to realize is that there won't ever be a place where we'll all be together again. Even if there was, it wouldn't be the same. But, time moves on. We move with it, and it's strange to think of where it has taken me and where it will take me next.
My job: what a dreadfully boring piece of shit. But, you know I am so grateful for the money it is giving me, and the opportunities I will have with that money. It's all sacrifice, and the acknowledgment of those sacrifices makes it bearable, but I hate how I'll speed it all away.

Tonight, as I drove the cracked streets home from the El, I got upset that I would think of speeding any time away and not realize the gifts inherent in each space and time. The fact I am graced with my family's presence and the love they have, and the comfortability of my home- my physical house extending outside the walls of 2144 Lincolnwood Drive. My friends, my bank account getting bigger, and hopefully big enough to handle what I want. The fact I have almost nothing to worry about except for getting enough rest, because when I leave... When I leave, it'll be the beginning of the end of school. It'll be the beginning of a new time and space, one that will lead me in new directions and towards new people and perhaps some familiar faces; but it'll be away from this, and I'll become nostalgic about this just as I am about S.A.S.

It's ultimately all the same. It's all strands of a web, pieces of a puzzle, or whatever quantity of whichever tired-ass metaphor everyone uses to understand the enigmatic yet so clear nature of life, and changes. And what is so amazing about change is that no change- nor the result of one- is separate from the one before or after it, because change is simultaneously cause and effect: time extends in all directions, but only one we can follow in the present. We can travel backwards through reminiscences, but that really pushes you forwards since you notice how you've changed since then- how everything has changed. We move forwards regardless of whether or eyes are open or closed.