28 September 2002

(Black Journal Excerpt 2 - "Heartache for Nothing Gone Wrong")

I think the best thing to come out of all this is that I'm noticing patterns I fall into over and over again in my life, patterns that inevitably lead to a regeneration of the same exact experience, like falling into a fractal and seeing the same exploding shape all around you, and letting that shape dictate your feelings the same way it did before- before, when you thought exactly what you're thinking now and for no better reason other than your lack of confidence, your general mistrust of other human beings, and your overwhelming paranoia of being hurt and- on the flip side- not being able to love again. Because, as soon as the slightest movement, moment, or idiosyncratic action unbeknownst to its doer occurs, you feel wrongfully psychic and see whatever inconsequential action on that person's part as a grand sign that they don't feel the same way about you any longer. If someone gets in a bad mood around you, you think it's your fault. You have delusions which you let take control, and they ultimately force you into a false state of "knowing" you can't shake them: those tingly, guilty, anxious feelings of being alone after rejection, where you're subsequently jealous of anyone else having whatever it is you experienced in that beautiful- but transient- moment with that person. You are almost jealous of the ghost of yourself that stays with her after the universe splits- after "goodbye." So you call, or write, or sulk and don't say shit to anyone because rational thought is buried in the irrational: pure emotion. Pure but unexplainable heartache for nothing gone wrong, at a smile you didn't believe, at a mood you couldn't comprehend... At someone you are starting to fall for that you feel will let you down- that you haven't even allowed to try.

Go to sleep. It'll go away in the morning.