30 June 2003

(Turquoise Journal Excerpt 1 - "Fiction")

Today, the year is halfway over. How is that possible when it feels like I've lived ten years in the last six months, yet feel they were all too short? Or, a day contains so much it's even more confusing that it passes by as it does? Regardless, I know I'll look back on these last months as some of the most monumentally life-changing ones in my life to come, when things make sense or make absolutely no fucking sense and it's all the same surreal blur of deja-vu drenched moments. Still, some things stick out so much it''s hard to believe I can handle them. Conversations with my dad, sitting in his car with the windows down and the summer air blowing through and smelling so delicious that I am simultaneously so upset that my mom can't be around to breathe it in, yet morbidly grateful she has allowed me to see those breaths I take in such a new and light, free way.

I've gained a perspective that feels so good. It makes me more in touch with the things that matter most: being happy and enjoying my life. It trivializes so many things that used to get me down. It lessens stresses associated with "what if?" questions I have always asked myself. And, like I told my dad, it's not that I don't care, but I just don't care. If you want that sentence to make sense, it actually will if you let it. I care and don't care at the same time. It's not that it lessens my drive, or that I'm a defeatist, but it just means that because of all this, I've started practicing what I preach about the transience of things: letting go of the present sometimes because even that must pass. The future must pass just the same and, when we fall, we fall; then we fell, so now get up! Look around you and realize you're no longer on the ground unless you want to be. You're wherever you want to be, something I realized and scrawled in permanent red ink that day I took LSD for the first time, and now realize was an amazing revelation I am lucky to have had, regardless of what initiated it.

The strangest thing of all is how closely life resembles fiction nowadays, like things are a little too perfect and connected and related to you if you notice; how small the world is, how quickly time passes and things change. The author of this has embedded so many complex and elaborate twists and turns that keep bringing us back to truths over and over again. Things that many dismiss as "weird" or "coincidence" are happening more and more often, with spaces getting fewer between. Relationships beginning amidst the illusion of chaos we are hiding in. My eyes are closing- I'm too tired to continue. Just know I am happy and grateful, and somewhat amazed I can be.